I am learning something.  I am learning that I do take up space and that is okay.  I am learning that things that I have done in the past come back in strange and beautiful ways.  I am learning not to care so much about how it looks and more about doing it.  I am learning connections kindly made years ago are coming back better than ever.  And I am learning that depression tries to rob you of this.  It tries to deny these things that are so sweet.  And I am learning NOT to let it.

Today's quick sketch-a friends gorgeous face.  I like how its coming out of the shadows into the light.  That's how i feel lately-coming out into the light, it is a long hard process, but there are times of great fun and laughter.  I went to  a show last night that someone I had not seen in years was doing.  It was great, so much fun.  We laughed and then we cried.  It was about  very tough, loving, influential nun on St Pauls West Side.    At one point she said she will go home and before she went to bed she would pray for us.  Now I am a committed agnostic, but it melted something sharp and cold inside me, it made me cry-what for?  I don't know...the thought that someone cared enough for another human being to just love them , that someone would actually pray FOR you, no strings attached....the fact that here was a friend who I hadn't seen in years and yet it was like yesterday.......that we all sat at the table after the show and laughed until we cried and it didn't matter-we were who we were.  Which reminds me yesterday morning I woke up and for about three seconds I lost my identity-I simply was-no past no present, no worries, no voice telling me what an incredible awful fuck I was, just this suspended feeling of...not empty...just being...it was scary and at the same time so wonderful.  I have never felt that before.  It was an incredible gift, it went beyond this plane.  I hope I can keep recalling that feeling...it was healing

what I am trying to do is not care about the outcome and just do really quick sketches-this was about 4 minutes-I want to go back and fix it, but that would defeat the purpose of the exercise, which is to get pencil in hand and draw.  This has been good for me.  Missing yesterday cause I was busy was sad, but I did doodle and I went thru my day.    I am starting to really love the charcoal pencil althoug it is not as precise as a reg pencil.

Today I voiced to radio commercials, got an order for an original stained glass and am going to see a friend in a one woman show that I haven't seen face to face in about twenty years-its a good day

Todays quick sketch.  I would so like to be this girl -looking off into the vast lonely landscape with the sea beneath me and the wind making it just a little dangerous.  Peace, quiet, no one near.  Just me and the sea and the wind and the stone.......

Todays offering.  I failed miserably at a sketch of a farm,, but realized I was worrying about how it was coming out.    This gal was a lesson on shadow and line, that's all I concentrated on.  interesting and of course a great life lesson.  As soon as I care about the outcome, I am dead in the water.

one minute sketch, i meant to draw every day.  Was running around yesterday, but got a quick one in.  Still trying my best to climb out of the dark well.  I get glimmers of light, and that is a good sign.  There is so much I feel I should do, and all I want to do is curl up in bed.  Its warm there, and safe, and cosy...and I can day dream......I will now get off this and go do a quick work out and then off to a play reading.  An interesting, thoughtful, thinking play.........its starting off to be a good year....lets hope the light keeps getting stronger!!!!  and that I find it.....

2015-welcome back

It has been a long time since I visited this blog.  Lots of changes, sorrows, and mid life questions have kept me away from a lot of things I used to enjoy.  I am still wracked with the whys of life, but have been determined, lately, to at least act as if ....act as if I matter, as if what I do matters, as if I haven't lost....
So I will remember to play my records on my new record player

to draw and create all sorts of wonderful things
to start writing comedy and performing what I like instead of trying to do what others like
to keep exercising because I have always loved it and it makes me feel good
to stop the self destructive patterns that I have fallen into

to look forward with more of a sense of wonder instead of dread



to try to live here and now

Here's to 2015-it started of with a Brandi Carlile concert that was out of this world-let the music continue