Friday, April 20, 2018

There is no finish line, there is no end, its all about process and growing.  I keep thinking there will be a moment when you WIN, when you hit the point where everything from here on will be golden.  When you decide who exactly you are, what it is that you do, and where you are going.  For me, these are dangerous illusions.  I am learning you just have to be,right here, right now . There is no shame in continuing to go after your dreams.....even if you never get to where you thought you wanted to be, if you are lucky,you see all the things you are gathering along the way..........PROCESS-with a nod to KH who is wise.... 

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Still in a creative funk but determined to keep working, despite that lack of confidence.  So I went up to the loft and worked on an altoid box project and then, finding myself cruelly judging , took a breath walked away and went back to my charcoal. That helped, and I wrote a bit and THAT helped....that and the knowledge of how lucky and privileged I am to have time to worry about things like this.  ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 6, 2018

More pencil on garbage bags.....trying to draw even though I have no inspiration.  Maybe this is a good lesson for me.  Doing it despite feeling like a fake.  So weird, some days everything comes almost too easy, others you wonder if you ever ever HELD a pencil before.  I try to figure out why that happens.  Are the gods with you one day and not the other?  Was it more or less coffee??   Did you eat well? What changes-nothing I can put my finger on...and so you keep doing, bless the days when it flows, detach when it does not....not a bad way to live your live......

Saturday, February 17, 2018

I texted a friend last night who recently lost his brother,as I did mine.  His brother was in my graduation class.  I like to just make sure he knows someone is thinking of him and his brother.  Its important, this is probably the only thing I am truly certain of, it is important to be seen.  It is important to reach out. He sent me this Sufi poem:
 May the meaning of your life continue to unfold in me.
It took my breath away.  How beautiful. I will carry those words with me. For me and for all of us....

May the meaning of your life continue to unfold in me

Monday, February 12, 2018

I think I just may be opening to the idea of FOLLOWING a dream...or of the PROCESS of it all. I used to just see the end...if I am not making xxxx by xxx then what good is it? I put no value on the doing of it, but only on the end product.
 A wise friend asked me why don't you share your process when we were talking about my art,we need to see process, she said, so we are reminded what goes into doing something. I had dismissed process,it is messy and imperfect and uneasy and scary and sometimes so damn awful that you wonder if you ever had a creative bone in your body. Other times you lose yourself in an amazing wonderful world of your very own making ...
Today, you can get anything you want almost immediately. The concept of waiting for something, having to drive to a library for information, having to wait for The Wizard of Oz to be aired near Halloween (man, I miss that-it was such a wonderful thing...we would count the days down and plan out the whole night...)is foreign to most of us.  We only show the best of us -even 'selfies' are carefully edited -and dear lord, if everyone is as happy and fulfilled as their facebook pages show, we would have no self help movement! Maybe its time to show the mess and then we would all heave a huge sigh of relief...because we are all messy and unsure and just making our what???  Maybe its time to enjoy the way and forget about GETTING there-on all levels

Friday, January 19, 2018

I need to clean today and fold laundry and re calk the shower and  hang the closet doors which all seem to have run off the rails at the same time.  But instead I cleaned my studio sketched and painted-do I feel quilt????  NOT A BIT.  How many times do we do what we want instead of what we HAVE to do-and where do the haves to actually get us, in the long run?  A cleaner home and a more resentful soul.........

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

When we moved to out present house I gave away a ton of my books.  Bill had been reluctant to move them all and I thought I should de- clutter and clean out my life ( as they say) to make room for new things.Once again I SHOULDED all over myself. I have missed every single volume that I gave away.  I have been in love with books since I first went to a library and discovered the magic.  I like having them around to dip into, to revisit my adventures, to be taken away when the world gets over whelming.  I went to Paddington 2 by myself last night and was reminded how much can be given, what worlds come alive, from one persons story, from ink on paper that sears its way into your heart and becomes part of you.  I have found myself re collecting old volumes, and finally FINALLY dragged up an old bookshelf from the basement to the living room and started filling it.  Carl Sandburg, Marge Piercy, Shakespeare, Paddington, Jane Austen, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan.......the old 50s girl books that I cherish.  De- clutter?  Why should I de -clutter-it made me lost and sad and lonely.  Every time I come down the stairs I see my books, and my Little Prince stuffed toy, my Winnie the Pooh, my Paddington and my heart is whole.