Friday, January 19, 2018

I need to clean today and fold laundry and re calk the shower and  hang the closet doors which all seem to have run off the rails at the same time.  But instead I cleaned my studio sketched and painted-do I feel quilt????  NOT A BIT.  How many times do we do what we want instead of what we HAVE to do-and where do the haves to actually get us, in the long run?  A cleaner home and a more resentful soul.........

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

When we moved to out present house I gave away a ton of my books.  Bill had been reluctant to move them all and I thought I should de- clutter and clean out my life ( as they say) to make room for new things.Once again I SHOULDED all over myself. I have missed every single volume that I gave away.  I have been in love with books since I first went to a library and discovered the magic.  I like having them around to dip into, to revisit my adventures, to be taken away when the world gets over whelming.  I went to Paddington 2 by myself last night and was reminded how much can be given, what worlds come alive, from one persons story, from ink on paper that sears its way into your heart and becomes part of you.  I have found myself re collecting old volumes, and finally FINALLY dragged up an old bookshelf from the basement to the living room and started filling it.  Carl Sandburg, Marge Piercy, Shakespeare, Paddington, Jane Austen, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan.......the old 50s girl books that I cherish.  De- clutter?  Why should I de -clutter-it made me lost and sad and lonely.  Every time I come down the stairs I see my books, and my Little Prince stuffed toy, my Winnie the Pooh, my Paddington and my heart is whole. 

Thursday, January 11, 2018

On Dec 17th I woke up for the first time since my younger brothers death over a year and a half ago and felt I was part of life again.  Felt that I could breath and that the world was once more in focus-never the same, never as joy filled, never as bright but in focus again.  And with that came such great relief and ease of spirit.  Until that moment I think my spirit had died with his, although in grief you do not see that.  You do not see much, all you do is feel , and the feelings are something I would not wish on any one.

But that ease has given me a new outlook has shown me to DO WHAT I LOVE-regardless of outcome. To not care if it brings in income or that others may praise me or that I can label myself by my accomplishments. I now do the things I love because they fill me with joy, because when I am acting, creating art, reading a play, singing doing voice work I am whole, I am ME and that is, I think, the best we can wish for.

So here is my fav subject-old slavic women,working and living ordinary lives and leaving extraordinary marks on all sorts of lives-in humble pencil on a garbage bag....and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May you do something today that fills your soul, may you realize the blessing it is that you just ARE.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Piece of Cake

When was the last time you indulged?  I am really craving a huge piece of cake with tons of frosting flowers all over it.  But that huge piece of cake can equate to a huge , I tell myself no, and am weirdly proud of denying myself.  I fell strong, I feel like the less I indulge, the more I give up, the better I am...look how much I don't have, look how much I hold back from myself-aren't I something

Where the hell does that come from????  Puritanical values have seeped into my psyche. I must really look at this......and maybe have the biggest piece of cake-marble-a corner piece- and enjoy every single indulgent, glorious bite...

Saturday, November 11, 2017

In this Moment

Quick sketch today after sharing the morning with one of the best woman on this planet.  One with whom you can take out your soul and say here it is in all its wonders and awfulness, and it is treated gently, lovingly and with humor.  I like the feeling that as we age we will share more and more, that our hearts will keep opening and we will keep seeing each other, that we will understand and honor how precious each of us is in THIS moment.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I'm BACK!!!!

I stopped doing this blog for a year or so...a really bad, awful,sad, heartbreaking year.  But I seem to be walking out of the despair into some kind of light again, and with it I have committed to doing things that I love-even if they don't bring in the money.  I have been so long finding value in only the things that help pay the bills, the work that others pay for, the things that are sort of dull and meaningless to the soul.  I hate that phrase do what you want the money will follow, I would rather embrace follow your bliss-and just leave it there.  Because BLISS may be the gift of the work of your soul, and that is something I must learn to value.
So with that in mind, I am back to drawing what makes my soul light-ladies in aprons working on everyday stuff-this lady is taking the cover off the rising bread.  I can smell the yeasty dough, I can feel the stickiness, I can taste it warm from the oven slathered with butter from the covered brown butter crock in my grandmas kitchen...and those memories are the ones that save my soul when I think I can't go on.....

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

December 20, 2016

I am working with brown paper bags and charcoal and memories.........there is so much loss in my soul that feel as if I am a shadow walking through the world.  Nothing loud or fun or bright is stirring me, but I find comfort in these lined faces coming to gentle life in pencil.  I like the faded quality, the hauntedness of the image..its about all I can handle at the moment...this comforts me