Friday, February 20, 2015

what I painted today-how I wish I could earn a living doing this-I am so happy when I am sitting at a little table painting stuff.  I can't thin of a happier thing to do

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Without even deciding or thinking about it, this month has turned into fairy tale sketches.  I have no idea why but there it is.  It just started coming out of me and I will go with it.  Fairy tales hold an incredible fascination for me  The dark and scary underbelly of them was dangerous and titillating to me when I was little.  The Red Shoes-oh, the terror, dancing shoes that would not stop dancing until they were chopped off her feet.  That still makes icy fingers of dread run up my spine.  And the color RED -it shoes up so often, red ridinghood, rose red the red shoes on and on...that haunting blood red against a black and white background.....tha'ts how I would illustrate those tales

Monday, February 16, 2015

well, some days you just can't draw for shit-this was one of those days I hate that.  I am trying very hard to keep moving forward and appreciate everything I have.  But when you come to a bad drawing day, it sucks.  
but one keeps on.  The more I care, the worse I get.  That is such a strange thing.  I have to teach a class tonight on auditioning tips.  I kind of feel like a fake because although I have done some damn fine ones, its been a while since I booked anything.  It is frustrating, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have control over your career.  Is it true if you work hard you will be rewarded-not in my field.  Must be weird to go to work every day sure of your place, not having to constantly prove yourself with every project.  What would it be like to not be interviewed for every single thing you do?    Not to have people look at you when you say what you do for a living in the weird way people do and then ask-REALLY???  have I SEEN you in anything???

Sunday, February 15, 2015

I want to illustrate another book!!  How do you get someone to hire you.  I am kind of sick of hawking my wares, every audition seems to take a little more out of me.  I just want them to come to me.  Wouldn't that be grand?  How impossible is that?  You do websites, and postcards, and still

who does a girl need to sleep with ?

I am going to do a weird experiment.

I am going to try all week to do something different and out of the ordinary to get attention to my art

I have to start thinking-and I HATE this saying-but OUTSIDE OF THE BOX

oh-I JUST GOT AN IDEA...................

Monday, February 9, 2015

This rolled off my pencil today.    I like it.  It makes me happy.  I actually sent it to the woman in the pic.  I hope she like it.  It was so busy today and yet I feel I got one tenth of what I needed to get done.  Oh, well-there's always tomorrow!!

Friday, February 6, 2015

There are times in my life where I withdraw and sort of recharge.  These are times when a friends request can seem so overwhelming to me, hard tasks to get done-but I do them.  Lately I am wondering if I do things because I am interested and want to-or if I do them to feel needed or to make others feel like I am on their side.  Supportive to mean means all in, although it is sapping me.  I will put by my own desires and projects to work on someone elses.  I make them so much more important and dumb down my stuff.  If I do that enough-which lately I feel I have, I become resentful and tired-really tired.  This also might have to do with my daughter coming home for another drs appt-where they want to put her in a sleep study-when I asked how much he said oh thousands and thousands.  Well, as much as I love my kid, I do not have thousands and thousands.  I also have very very little trust in doctors as for five years she has been going through all this stuff and really, not one person has actually looked at her like a person, or like a whole.  They shove pills at her-so many it is like she is 90, and she still suffers-we have spent and spent and spent until we have nothing left to spend.  It is such a hard place to be, for her, for us,for families like us.    It makes me sad and defeated.  This is probably why I am so tired and overwhelmed today.  Plus, in my gut, just as I don't think she need a sleep study, I think she needs different medications than the ones she is on because everyone of them AFFECTS HER SLEEP CYCLE-this is what the dr said-but sis he suggest different meds or actions -no, he wanted to do a thousands and thousands sleep study.

I know there must be doctors out there who actually listen and care (and yes she answered the same questions time after time-it was like he wasn't really listening)  but i have yet to find one

I think I will go take a nap.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Kids can be hard-cartooning them is pretty easy but trying to capture there little round big eyed faces escapes me.  And they move so fast-lightening expressions.  How do you capture joy in the eyes?  How do you capture joy in the soul.  There are times when you look into a child's face and it is so filled with the joy of the moment your heart almost breaks.  Oh, to be able to have that.  It takes work now to get there,it takes shedding a lot of the crap we pile on ourselves as some sort of truth.  As if suffering and punishment are the norm, as if we don't deserve to enjoy until we have paid a price.  Every once in a whiel you get a glimmer of that purity of the moment, when you are just being-and then as swiftly as you notice it, it is gone.  I must remember to honor those moments more than the painful reality I pretend to live in.  We make it all up as we go-why must it be painful.  I am glas that most times when I see a puddle, I will jump in it.  That I still love to squish mud in my toes, that the smell of fresh mowed grass can knock me right back to childhood and make me want to run outside barefoot and shrieking with joy-Joy_seize it

Monday, February 2, 2015

Oh for spring and color  and warmth!!!!  It was an amazingly insightful weekend for me.  Most of all I found that getting engaged with life, getting our and moving is so very important.  I can so easily fold into myself and forget there is a whole world going on without me.  We saw a 400 year old Vermeer painting-400 years old.  How amazing is that.  Such skill and such patience.  I cannot imagine having to make my own paints, and his light-such glorious light!!!  and 400 years later people are standing in front of it drooling!
I also realized how my tastes have changed over the years-I am smitten by the lines and colors of the 1930s.  I used to find them cold and off putting.  Now I find them so incredibly rich and inspiring.  There was a skyscraper nightstand that just blew me a way-it was like all the old Fred Astaire movies.  Such CLASS!!!!!!!!!!
I must remember to keep moving-keep getting out in the world-keep seeing