Friday, February 6, 2015

There are times in my life where I withdraw and sort of recharge.  These are times when a friends request can seem so overwhelming to me, hard tasks to get done-but I do them.  Lately I am wondering if I do things because I am interested and want to-or if I do them to feel needed or to make others feel like I am on their side.  Supportive to mean means all in, although it is sapping me.  I will put by my own desires and projects to work on someone elses.  I make them so much more important and dumb down my stuff.  If I do that enough-which lately I feel I have, I become resentful and tired-really tired.  This also might have to do with my daughter coming home for another drs appt-where they want to put her in a sleep study-when I asked how much he said oh thousands and thousands.  Well, as much as I love my kid, I do not have thousands and thousands.  I also have very very little trust in doctors as for five years she has been going through all this stuff and really, not one person has actually looked at her like a person, or like a whole.  They shove pills at her-so many it is like she is 90, and she still suffers-we have spent and spent and spent until we have nothing left to spend.  It is such a hard place to be, for her, for us,for families like us.    It makes me sad and defeated.  This is probably why I am so tired and overwhelmed today.  Plus, in my gut, just as I don't think she need a sleep study, I think she needs different medications than the ones she is on because everyone of them AFFECTS HER SLEEP CYCLE-this is what the dr said-but sis he suggest different meds or actions -no, he wanted to do a thousands and thousands sleep study.

I know there must be doctors out there who actually listen and care (and yes she answered the same questions time after time-it was like he wasn't really listening)  but i have yet to find one

I think I will go take a nap.

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