I need to clean today and fold laundry and re calk the shower and  hang the closet doors which all seem to have run off the rails at the same time.  But instead I cleaned my studio sketched and painted-do I feel quilt????  NOT A BIT.  How many times do we do what we want instead of what we HAVE to do-and where do the haves to actually get us, in the long run?  A cleaner home and a more resentful soul.........

When we moved to out present house I gave away a ton of my books.  Bill had been reluctant to move them all and I thought I should de- clutter and clean out my life ( as they say) to make room for new things.Once again I SHOULDED all over myself. I have missed every single volume that I gave away.  I have been in love with books since I first went to a library and discovered the magic.  I like having them around to dip into, to revisit my adventures, to be taken away when the world gets over whelming.  I went to Paddington 2 by myself last night and was reminded how much can be given, what worlds come alive, from one persons story, from ink on paper that sears its way into your heart and becomes part of you.  I have found myself re collecting old volumes, and finally FINALLY dragged up an old bookshelf from the basement to the living room and started filling it.  Carl Sandburg, Marge Piercy, Shakespeare, Paddington, Jane Austen, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan.......the old 50s girl books that I cherish.  De- clutter?  Why should I de -clutter-it made me lost and sad and lonely.  Every time I come down the stairs I see my books, and my Little Prince stuffed toy, my Winnie the Pooh, my Paddington and my heart is whole. 

On Dec 17th I woke up for the first time since my younger brothers death over a year and a half ago and felt I was part of life again.  Felt that I could breath and that the world was once more in focus-never the same, never as joy filled, never as bright but in focus again.  And with that came such great relief and ease of spirit.  Until that moment I think my spirit had died with his, although in grief you do not see that.  You do not see much, all you do is feel , and the feelings are something I would not wish on any one.

But that ease has given me a new outlook has shown me to DO WHAT I LOVE-regardless of outcome. To not care if it brings in income or that others may praise me or that I can label myself by my accomplishments. I now do the things I love because they fill me with joy, because when I am acting, creating art, reading a play, singing doing voice work I am whole, I am ME and that is, I think, the best we can wish for.

So here is my fav subject-old slavic women,working and living ordinary lives and leaving extraordinary marks on all sorts of lives-in humble pencil on a garbage bag....and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May you do something today that fills your soul, may you realize the blessing it is that you just ARE.