Saturday, January 31, 2015

I went to Bills juggling show at Central Library in St Paul-one of the most beautiful libraries I have ever been to.  Some years ago, they re- did the kids room, taking the 1920's puppet theatre out of the old lovely oval room and putting it in the new room...I hated the change-but I always hate change.  I haven't been back since, but today, oh today!!  all the joy of going the LIBRARY the most magical place on the face of the earth-it came rushing back to me.  The framed drawings of Make way for Ducklings!!!  The signed copy of Misty by Marguerite Henry, the old old story books in the reference section with the wonderful prints of illustrations that I loved-Homer Price with his doughnuts falling out of his arms -the real stunned me, it moved me, it made me feel so alive.  I have always loved books, but children s books I have such a passion for, such a connection.  It is like going home and it is good.  I re-  resolved to write and illustrate more-even if it is just for me.  Nothing in the world makes me happier.  What a wonderful treat-plus Bill's show was amazing-such a blessing this morning was.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

My daughters 19th birthday, and I swear I still wake up in the morning deciding what I want to be.  I wonder if anyone ever feels grown up.  I know I never have. I can pretend to be, but inside I am wondering when the hell I can leave the meeting and paint or draw or read or play.  I still love crayons the best, I think if there is a heaven it will smell like a new box of crayolas.

What I have learned this month is that the less I think about the drawing the better it is.  I have learned I adore charcoal and the way it moves.  I like sketches as opposed to drawings-if I ay sketch it means loose and not 'finished  and makes the looker fill the details in.  I love that.  It makes the looker part of the process, part of the work.  I like to think of people adding their own, there we connect and make a whole.'

Monday, January 26, 2015

What is it that reflects sadness in our faces.  Isn't it the most interesting thing-just a subtle change can make the whole face attain a different quality.   I am going to explore that more,  Yesterday I went to the Mall of America-or as I like to call it-my personal hell on earth.  I went to support my husband who is in a fit bit challenge-and as I have mentioned before-we get REALLY competitive-he ended up with 23,000 something steps-or roughly 10 miles.  But as we plowed around the mall I started to get really overwhelmed.  All the people, all the THINGS-oh my god, the THINGS-I remembered that scene in Moscow on the Hudson when Robin Williams as the Russian defector goes into a super market for the first time.  When he hits the coffee aisle he mutters ends up fainting as he is so overcome with the choices, the vast array of choices.  Now, choice is great, but oh my god.  When I told my husband how I felt he wonders what aliens will think of us when all that is left is malls-what will they think the meaning of this is.

I wonder what they will-it kind of sickens me.  I am in awe that we can build this homage to the all mighty dollar, but we let our vets sleep on the street, I can't get the exact feeling, or words, but I am sometimes so disappointed in what we give value to.  And its hard to not give in to it, because it surrounds us.  Can't wait until the weather gets warmer and then its around the lakes and parks again-that makes my heart happy.  There I can nod to the dog walkers and gasp hello to the other runners and feel the sun on my skin.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I noticed if I get in my 10000 steps before noon my day goes much better-wonder why that is?  Maybe I work off some crazy making energy.   But if it works I am all for it.  Plus, three of the four of us in my family have fitbits now and we are competing.

Here is what I learned:

We are all crazy competitive..there are even taunts..we are pretty funny

  I had to teach a drama club today, I thought I sucked but the kids LOVED it and cannot wait until next week.  Kids ask so little.  Just to notice them is huge.  When Bill, who is a third grade teacher and a juggler, comes upon  student  in a place other than school, they act like hes a movie star.

I wanted to draw on something different so I took my shattered charcoal to an old brown paper bag.  I think I am going to crumble one up really good then smooth it out and make those lines wrinkles in the face ,   I think perhaps I am going to also have to break down and buy some more charcoal pencils.  

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I was in a huge hurry-way too much I needed to do.  So before I edited some stuff  , I grabbed the nearest pencil and a piece of paper.  The pencil was so dull and I could not find the sharpener, so I moved on the next one at hand which was red-it was weird but fun.  I just wanted to get one done, because I made that my goal.  I may move on to other subjects, but someone once told me I could not draw people.  So of course, I believed her, and for the next few years...I could not draw people.

I think I can now.

I think about all the stuff we buy as ours just because someone told us so.

I think we really need to think about that.

Monday, January 19, 2015

I only had a number 2 pencil and a few minutes, but I like the way it turned out.  I have no idea why I am doing this.  I just know it helps a bit to write and draw.  It makes me forget myself for a while and that is a relief.  I would like to forget myself,  I would like to find a way to dump all the crap that keeps beating at my door.  I do know, thought, steps to take to keep it at bay.  Exercise really helps, eating well helps going OUTSIDE helps.  We walked around bredesen yesterday,and that was fun.  The sun was out , it was warm-well, warm for Jan in MN..  I wonder how many many miles I have logged around that park.  How many books on tape I have gone through.  I bets its hundreds.

This daily drawing has given me this weird detachment from the outcome.  I start to look at shapes and shadows instead of what the object is.  It makes it more interesting and less painful.  I am lucky, I get to do this and I am sitting  near a window in my own house with the sun shing on stained glass that I made.

I wonder why that is never enough.

I think we need to train ourselves to be okay with that.   just the being.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I woke up this morning feeling....normal.I haven't felt normal in so many years I did not even know what the feeling was.  my body was rested, my mood was neutral the raging voices that tell me how awful I am were not there.  I don't know what happened I am walking around in this weird state afraid it will vanish.  And it may, but while its here I am not going to question or analyze  I am going to move on in my life, do the things I need to or want to do.  I have had too much coffee, worked out, but not to the point of pain, sketched, did a rough draft of a business card and it is only 1130...............I will work on a story and clean the back room so it looks nice-I will try to just enjoy this calmly...............

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Quick Charcoal sketch. I keep thinking about leaving.  Not my life , but leaving what I have clutched at so desperately, leaving the musts and shoulds and crap. I am doing this new project where I have to write and record a story based on a random topic-but I find myself stalling out-If I go with my gut it gets too personal, and if I try to be funny-which I love to do -it does not work.  Meanwhile, something really weird is happening.  I keep laughing at how silly we all are for following these ambiguous ideals of what is good and successful.  What torture we put ourselves through because some mass delusion of what is pretty, or good, or talented.  A friend put up a notice about changing trends in decorating your house-there is actually ACTUALLY a color of the year.  Designers all flock around it and produce based on someone-WHO?? deciding that gray is the color of the year.  We judge how important a person is based on the size of their home or car.  We sicken ourselves with worry and angst, we are not good enough, we are not pretty enough.  We admire and elevated those who lie and cheat and steal-but get the power.  And we hold up standards as if they mean something(my child is an honor student)great-your child jumped through the hoops!!!  HOORAY- So we follow the trends and rules and fashions and are miserable.  But for a moment-well about three seconds the other morning I woke and had no identity no present no past no future, no remembrance of who I was, it was just being-such a weightless wonder and just as I embraced it it was gone-like trying to grab the fog.  But those seconds-BLISS-just NOTHING just there..........just being

Monday, January 12, 2015

This is a character sketch for my book idea-Babuskas star.  I have been toying with it for awhile,  so many ideas.....I still like my Dancing Babushkas counting book idea......better lots than none at all!

and this is my quick sketch of the day-timed-thanks Kim for that idea- 1 minute.  I am also designing a stained glass window for a client and wire wrapping a stone for my step mother in law!  Oh and I have to write a story on the topic Moving for the podcast I am launching nest month-so yes, I keep moving forward, the load may be heavy but I keep moving

thats pretty darn great

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I am learning something.  I am learning that I do take up space and that is okay.  I am learning that things that I have done in the past come back in strange and beautiful ways.  I am learning not to care so much about how it looks and more about doing it.  I am learning connections kindly made years ago are coming back better than ever.  And I am learning that depression tries to rob you of this.  It tries to deny these things that are so sweet.  And I am learning NOT to let it.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Today's quick sketch-a friends gorgeous face.  I like how its coming out of the shadows into the light.  That's how i feel lately-coming out into the light, it is a long hard process, but there are times of great fun and laughter.  I went to  a show last night that someone I had not seen in years was doing.  It was great, so much fun.  We laughed and then we cried.  It was about  very tough, loving, influential nun on St Pauls West Side.    At one point she said she will go home and before she went to bed she would pray for us.  Now I am a committed agnostic, but it melted something sharp and cold inside me, it made me cry-what for?  I don't know...the thought that someone cared enough for another human being to just love them , that someone would actually pray FOR you, no strings attached....the fact that here was a friend who I hadn't seen in years and yet it was like yesterday.......that we all sat at the table after the show and laughed until we cried and it didn't matter-we were who we were.  Which reminds me yesterday morning I woke up and for about three seconds I lost my identity-I simply was-no past no present, no worries, no voice telling me what an incredible awful fuck I was, just this suspended feeling of...not empty...just was scary and at the same time so wonderful.  I have never felt that before.  It was an incredible gift, it went beyond this plane.  I hope I can keep recalling that was healing

Thursday, January 8, 2015

what I am trying to do is not care about the outcome and just do really quick sketches-this was about 4 minutes-I want to go back and fix it, but that would defeat the purpose of the exercise, which is to get pencil in hand and draw.  This has been good for me.  Missing yesterday cause I was busy was sad, but I did doodle and I went thru my day.    I am starting to really love the charcoal pencil althoug it is not as precise as a reg pencil.

Today I voiced to radio commercials, got an order for an original stained glass and am going to see a friend in a one woman show that I haven't seen face to face in about twenty years-its a good day

Monday, January 5, 2015

Todays quick sketch.  I would so like to be this girl -looking off into the vast lonely landscape with the sea beneath me and the wind making it just a little dangerous.  Peace, quiet, no one near.  Just me and the sea and the wind and the stone.......

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Todays offering.  I failed miserably at a sketch of a farm,, but realized I was worrying about how it was coming out.    This gal was a lesson on shadow and line, that's all I concentrated on.  interesting and of course a great life lesson.  As soon as I care about the outcome, I am dead in the water.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

one minute sketch, i meant to draw every day.  Was running around yesterday, but got a quick one in.  Still trying my best to climb out of the dark well.  I get glimmers of light, and that is a good sign.  There is so much I feel I should do, and all I want to do is curl up in bed.  Its warm there, and safe, and cosy...and I can day dream......I will now get off this and go do a quick work out and then off to a play reading.  An interesting, thoughtful, thinking play.........its starting off to be a good year....lets hope the light keeps getting stronger!!!!  and that I find it.....

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015-welcome back

It has been a long time since I visited this blog.  Lots of changes, sorrows, and mid life questions have kept me away from a lot of things I used to enjoy.  I am still wracked with the whys of life, but have been determined, lately, to at least act as if ....act as if I matter, as if what I do matters, as if I haven't lost....
So I will remember to play my records on my new record player

to draw and create all sorts of wonderful things
to start writing comedy and performing what I like instead of trying to do what others like
to keep exercising because I have always loved it and it makes me feel good
to stop the self destructive patterns that I have fallen into

to look forward with more of a sense of wonder instead of dread

to try to live here and now

Here's to 2015-it started of with a Brandi Carlile concert that was out of this world-let the music continue