Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Quick Charcoal sketch. I keep thinking about leaving.  Not my life , but leaving what I have clutched at so desperately, leaving the musts and shoulds and crap. I am doing this new project where I have to write and record a story based on a random topic-but I find myself stalling out-If I go with my gut it gets too personal, and if I try to be funny-which I love to do -it does not work.  Meanwhile, something really weird is happening.  I keep laughing at how silly we all are for following these ambiguous ideals of what is good and successful.  What torture we put ourselves through because some mass delusion of what is pretty, or good, or talented.  A friend put up a notice about changing trends in decorating your house-there is actually ACTUALLY a color of the year.  Designers all flock around it and produce based on someone-WHO?? deciding that gray is the color of the year.  We judge how important a person is based on the size of their home or car.  We sicken ourselves with worry and angst, we are not good enough, we are not pretty enough.  We admire and elevated those who lie and cheat and steal-but get the power.  And we hold up standards as if they mean something(my child is an honor student)great-your child jumped through the hoops!!!  HOORAY- So we follow the trends and rules and fashions and are miserable.  But for a moment-well about three seconds the other morning I woke and had no identity no present no past no future, no remembrance of who I was, it was just being-such a weightless wonder and just as I embraced it it was gone-like trying to grab the fog.  But those seconds-BLISS-just NOTHING just there..........just being

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