Sunday, May 10, 2015

Oh, I am pretty proud of this.  A friend requested a floor cloth and wanted a Georgia O'Keeffe  kind of style.  I think I nailed it.  I really had a blast doing this and its usable art-which I love.   I bought a pink vintage shelf at my shop and am putting the porch back together is a kitschy, fun way.  Why I never gave myself permission to do this before I will never know.  Its almost as if I stopped living for a year or so and just stumbled along, just went with what is instead of really surrounding myself with that which makes me happy.  I feel a slight difference lately, an interest that has not been there for a long while.
   The daughter is back from college with a new cat.  Its been fun to see him try and acclimate to our other three animals.  The oldest cat and the dog are ecstatic about  a new friend.  The youngest cat is being a super brat-and she is usually the mellow one.  We had two dogs staying with us over christmas and there ws none of this growling and hissing behavior.

Monday, April 27, 2015

I just realized I was signed into the wrong gmail account when writing my last blogs. And they were good!!!!!!!  I have been fooling around with altoid cans and 3-d stuff which i am loving.  Then I got on an aceo fairy kick for a while.  Today I was bored of all that and moved on to portraits of women.......I love the smoking woman, she can out so well.  these are small but fun to do.  Getting details is har, I just bought a brush the size of an eyelash to do eyes and such.  It won't last long the way I am using it, but it works so great.

Spring is upon us and I am determined to keep moving -did my Insanity workout today and then walked up to the post office-so i hit 12,000 steps before noon!  Thanks to do more poractive things-like clean the basement...

Monday, April 13, 2015

Okay this is just one of the best times I have ever had in my life-and I am not kidding.  I have always been enamored of history, puppets and theatre-and after playing with altoid dioramas for a few years I woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me-Punch and Judy!!!!!!  that crazy duo that has been around for hundreds of years-I have stood in Covent Garden right next to the Plaque that declares the Punch and Judy sighted in the 1660s by Samuel Pepys.  See that is how much of a geek I am.  When reading Pepys diary (and if you haven't, oh what you have missed!!!!)  I almost had an excitement heart attack when I came to the mention of Punch and Judy-Why you ask???  I have no earthly idea.  Maybe it harks back to when I was in grade school and some marionette theatre would come every year and put on shows.    I can still feel the thrill, watching those puppets, watching the story, completely absorbed and lost in it.  It has been a secret dream to do puppet theatre.....oh, how many wonderfully impractical dreamy things I love to do--

so Punch and Judy-in an altoid can-with a back drop-now THAT was a GOOD day

Sunday, April 5, 2015

We had brunch with some very  old friends downtown, all I could think of was how darn expensive it was and how I didn't want to eat much.  Then someone asked me if I were happy. and that opened up a dam.  I guess I get so worried about what may happen, or what does not happen, that I totally forget to be here with what is happening now.  One of the gals was a cancer survivor and she had Lymphoma.  We talked about that and I realized how stupidly lucky I am and how I must I MUST stop dwelling in the horrids all the time.   Bottom line I am alive my kids and husband are great.  Every one is healthy and I am still creating-I have to live in that.....

So yesterday I did this quick sketch with acrylics ala 40's portrait painting....I love this style and I am finally happy with what I can do with faces.  I am learning all the time, and when I have a paintbrush in my hand I am so happy and in the now......these are things to cling to....

Saturday, April 4, 2015

I am always so sure I have the thing that will sell.  And it never is.  There is a place in life where you have to abandoned what you love to do for something that will make you money.  It is a reality.  I can sit and paint old ladies til the cows come home but no one BUYS  and if you don't want to end up pouring coffee at Perkins-which is the next idea -then you must find that which will sell.  Its a weird hard line.  I have been thinking about it lately, how we design our lives according to some arbitrary outline that others have established.  School-college-job-marriage-kids -retirement-death.  And in between is this everlasting race to become at least profitable enough that we don't wake up with gut churning thoughts of lack.   And when one is different, or artistic, or-I can't think of the word-different?  sensitive-longing for more-it is a hard hard journey.  I see all the spring break pictures of Florida and Mexico and I am sick to my stomach that my choices have lead my family to a severe lack-but is it lack?   I guess if my wants are bigger than my pocketbook-it is.  Lots of thoughts to think on this

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

So I have been crazy in love with doing these altoid 3-d projects.  I did one storybook ones a couple years ago and then dropped the idea.  But I just love these.  It is such a blast working this small and planning how things will burst forth .  I put them on etsy so we shall see!  I was trying to clean my studio but got side tracked again-so for every gluing of a flower I run around and do something to clean,  wish I had cleaning fairies that would make my life so much easier!!!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I have been so busy with things I do not like to do.  Sometimes saying yes and stretching yourself is not the best thing.  Sometimes you have to realize that you know yourself well enough NOT to do that-not to think you SHOULD because it might be GOOD for you.  What is so wrong with doing what you know is good and feels right.  I have to start making some choices, I think for so long I have run after every lead, every chance, every idea thinking this might prove profitable.  S friend just posted how harmful it was for u to have been raised with the idea if we worked hard enough we could get anything.  It is just not the truth-no wonder why so many of us have despair and self loathing.  We have believed that for so long, that it must be US that went wrong, we did not work hard enough we failed.  What a travesty, how could any sane person stay sane with that belief in their head.  It is kind of liberating in a way.  I still feel I need to prove or get something or tap dance faster so someone notices me, and yet some of my best times are spent alone with a book with paper and paints and music.   I would really like to live there for awhile  So today I went up to my studio for the first time in a long time and just did what I wanted.  This painting was done in about 30 minutes-because I was present, because i was living in it------I like it.  It makes me happy. Right here Right now..and I don't care what any one else thinks-its okay just by my own

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I am feeling such a burden on my shoulders lately.  Its all good stuff but all coming in at the same time.  It is like running on a treadmill going nowhere and yet logging on miles and miles.  At some point I must make some decisions about what is best for me, or what I want.  I like this lady because it looks to me like she just needed to close her eyes and rest for a moment, I probably was drawn to her cause I did not sleep last night!  Just take a little rest and chill out for a while. I love working with pastels, I may have to marry them.  there is something so delicious about the way they flow-and the way they leave their colors all over me, not just on the paper.  I feel marked by art

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

  I think I am schizophrenic-I seriously have so many totally different styles and mediums , I can't even keep up.  I love my landscape paintings and pastels.  I love my old ladies-painted or pastel or drawn and I love doing little fairies-although they can seem trite-guess which sells the most???  Yep, the fairies.  Seems so strange you can sweat and toil and angst over a portrait or a landscape and it just doesn't fly off the etsy shelves like the fairies!  I kind of hate to paint toward what sells instead of what I want but if I want to make any money doing this that is what must happen.  So I am trying to loik at how people market toward a niche, even though I feel kind of weird about it.  Like I am selling out-or I don't know-kind of catering?  It should not make me feel bad, but I want to scream-but look at this great old face I just drew that came from deep in my soul!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 8, 2015

It is spring!  i went for an outdoor run for the first time since the fall and it was lovely.  The melting snow , the smell-oh the glorious smell.  The red of the cardinals against the bare birch trees, the sun on my face-glorious.
I was just finishing up a rant blog when something happened and it totally disappeared, perhaps I wasn't meant to rant that particular rant.  Perhaps i was suppose to hold on to something, instead of condemning all the dreams I had.....interesting.    Of course, my husband would say I just hit the wrong key on the keyboard-he is so practical and not at all driven to whimsy and the heartbreak of lost dreams.  Maybe that is a better way to be.  But sometimes, I still get a glimpse of something more, like when I was in London and could almost SEE the ghosts out of the corner of my eye.  Perhaps the dreamers the artists the storytellers serve the world in ways we will never know.  All I know is that the more practical and factual about life I am, the unhappier I feel.......

The sun is out.  I saw trees on my run that might be fairy homes....and I heard a strange rustling in the leaves that could be magic......

Friday, February 20, 2015

what I painted today-how I wish I could earn a living doing this-I am so happy when I am sitting at a little table painting stuff.  I can't thin of a happier thing to do

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Without even deciding or thinking about it, this month has turned into fairy tale sketches.  I have no idea why but there it is.  It just started coming out of me and I will go with it.  Fairy tales hold an incredible fascination for me  The dark and scary underbelly of them was dangerous and titillating to me when I was little.  The Red Shoes-oh, the terror, dancing shoes that would not stop dancing until they were chopped off her feet.  That still makes icy fingers of dread run up my spine.  And the color RED -it shoes up so often, red ridinghood, rose red the red shoes on and on...that haunting blood red against a black and white background.....tha'ts how I would illustrate those tales

Monday, February 16, 2015

well, some days you just can't draw for shit-this was one of those days I hate that.  I am trying very hard to keep moving forward and appreciate everything I have.  But when you come to a bad drawing day, it sucks.  
but one keeps on.  The more I care, the worse I get.  That is such a strange thing.  I have to teach a class tonight on auditioning tips.  I kind of feel like a fake because although I have done some damn fine ones, its been a while since I booked anything.  It is frustrating, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have control over your career.  Is it true if you work hard you will be rewarded-not in my field.  Must be weird to go to work every day sure of your place, not having to constantly prove yourself with every project.  What would it be like to not be interviewed for every single thing you do?    Not to have people look at you when you say what you do for a living in the weird way people do and then ask-REALLY???  have I SEEN you in anything???

Sunday, February 15, 2015

I want to illustrate another book!!  How do you get someone to hire you.  I am kind of sick of hawking my wares, every audition seems to take a little more out of me.  I just want them to come to me.  Wouldn't that be grand?  How impossible is that?  You do websites, and postcards, and still

who does a girl need to sleep with ?

I am going to do a weird experiment.

I am going to try all week to do something different and out of the ordinary to get attention to my art

I have to start thinking-and I HATE this saying-but OUTSIDE OF THE BOX

oh-I JUST GOT AN IDEA...................

Monday, February 9, 2015

This rolled off my pencil today.    I like it.  It makes me happy.  I actually sent it to the woman in the pic.  I hope she like it.  It was so busy today and yet I feel I got one tenth of what I needed to get done.  Oh, well-there's always tomorrow!!

Friday, February 6, 2015

There are times in my life where I withdraw and sort of recharge.  These are times when a friends request can seem so overwhelming to me, hard tasks to get done-but I do them.  Lately I am wondering if I do things because I am interested and want to-or if I do them to feel needed or to make others feel like I am on their side.  Supportive to mean means all in, although it is sapping me.  I will put by my own desires and projects to work on someone elses.  I make them so much more important and dumb down my stuff.  If I do that enough-which lately I feel I have, I become resentful and tired-really tired.  This also might have to do with my daughter coming home for another drs appt-where they want to put her in a sleep study-when I asked how much he said oh thousands and thousands.  Well, as much as I love my kid, I do not have thousands and thousands.  I also have very very little trust in doctors as for five years she has been going through all this stuff and really, not one person has actually looked at her like a person, or like a whole.  They shove pills at her-so many it is like she is 90, and she still suffers-we have spent and spent and spent until we have nothing left to spend.  It is such a hard place to be, for her, for us,for families like us.    It makes me sad and defeated.  This is probably why I am so tired and overwhelmed today.  Plus, in my gut, just as I don't think she need a sleep study, I think she needs different medications than the ones she is on because everyone of them AFFECTS HER SLEEP CYCLE-this is what the dr said-but sis he suggest different meds or actions -no, he wanted to do a thousands and thousands sleep study.

I know there must be doctors out there who actually listen and care (and yes she answered the same questions time after time-it was like he wasn't really listening)  but i have yet to find one

I think I will go take a nap.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Kids can be hard-cartooning them is pretty easy but trying to capture there little round big eyed faces escapes me.  And they move so fast-lightening expressions.  How do you capture joy in the eyes?  How do you capture joy in the soul.  There are times when you look into a child's face and it is so filled with the joy of the moment your heart almost breaks.  Oh, to be able to have that.  It takes work now to get there,it takes shedding a lot of the crap we pile on ourselves as some sort of truth.  As if suffering and punishment are the norm, as if we don't deserve to enjoy until we have paid a price.  Every once in a whiel you get a glimmer of that purity of the moment, when you are just being-and then as swiftly as you notice it, it is gone.  I must remember to honor those moments more than the painful reality I pretend to live in.  We make it all up as we go-why must it be painful.  I am glas that most times when I see a puddle, I will jump in it.  That I still love to squish mud in my toes, that the smell of fresh mowed grass can knock me right back to childhood and make me want to run outside barefoot and shrieking with joy-Joy_seize it

Monday, February 2, 2015

Oh for spring and color  and warmth!!!!  It was an amazingly insightful weekend for me.  Most of all I found that getting engaged with life, getting our and moving is so very important.  I can so easily fold into myself and forget there is a whole world going on without me.  We saw a 400 year old Vermeer painting-400 years old.  How amazing is that.  Such skill and such patience.  I cannot imagine having to make my own paints, and his light-such glorious light!!!  and 400 years later people are standing in front of it drooling!
I also realized how my tastes have changed over the years-I am smitten by the lines and colors of the 1930s.  I used to find them cold and off putting.  Now I find them so incredibly rich and inspiring.  There was a skyscraper nightstand that just blew me a way-it was like all the old Fred Astaire movies.  Such CLASS!!!!!!!!!!
I must remember to keep moving-keep getting out in the world-keep seeing

Saturday, January 31, 2015

I went to Bills juggling show at Central Library in St Paul-one of the most beautiful libraries I have ever been to.  Some years ago, they re- did the kids room, taking the 1920's puppet theatre out of the old lovely oval room and putting it in the new room...I hated the change-but I always hate change.  I haven't been back since, but today, oh today!!  all the joy of going the LIBRARY the most magical place on the face of the earth-it came rushing back to me.  The framed drawings of Make way for Ducklings!!!  The signed copy of Misty by Marguerite Henry, the old old story books in the reference section with the wonderful prints of illustrations that I loved-Homer Price with his doughnuts falling out of his arms -the real stunned me, it moved me, it made me feel so alive.  I have always loved books, but children s books I have such a passion for, such a connection.  It is like going home and it is good.  I re-  resolved to write and illustrate more-even if it is just for me.  Nothing in the world makes me happier.  What a wonderful treat-plus Bill's show was amazing-such a blessing this morning was.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

My daughters 19th birthday, and I swear I still wake up in the morning deciding what I want to be.  I wonder if anyone ever feels grown up.  I know I never have. I can pretend to be, but inside I am wondering when the hell I can leave the meeting and paint or draw or read or play.  I still love crayons the best, I think if there is a heaven it will smell like a new box of crayolas.

What I have learned this month is that the less I think about the drawing the better it is.  I have learned I adore charcoal and the way it moves.  I like sketches as opposed to drawings-if I ay sketch it means loose and not 'finished  and makes the looker fill the details in.  I love that.  It makes the looker part of the process, part of the work.  I like to think of people adding their own, there we connect and make a whole.'

Monday, January 26, 2015

What is it that reflects sadness in our faces.  Isn't it the most interesting thing-just a subtle change can make the whole face attain a different quality.   I am going to explore that more,  Yesterday I went to the Mall of America-or as I like to call it-my personal hell on earth.  I went to support my husband who is in a fit bit challenge-and as I have mentioned before-we get REALLY competitive-he ended up with 23,000 something steps-or roughly 10 miles.  But as we plowed around the mall I started to get really overwhelmed.  All the people, all the THINGS-oh my god, the THINGS-I remembered that scene in Moscow on the Hudson when Robin Williams as the Russian defector goes into a super market for the first time.  When he hits the coffee aisle he mutters ends up fainting as he is so overcome with the choices, the vast array of choices.  Now, choice is great, but oh my god.  When I told my husband how I felt he wonders what aliens will think of us when all that is left is malls-what will they think the meaning of this is.

I wonder what they will-it kind of sickens me.  I am in awe that we can build this homage to the all mighty dollar, but we let our vets sleep on the street, I can't get the exact feeling, or words, but I am sometimes so disappointed in what we give value to.  And its hard to not give in to it, because it surrounds us.  Can't wait until the weather gets warmer and then its around the lakes and parks again-that makes my heart happy.  There I can nod to the dog walkers and gasp hello to the other runners and feel the sun on my skin.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I noticed if I get in my 10000 steps before noon my day goes much better-wonder why that is?  Maybe I work off some crazy making energy.   But if it works I am all for it.  Plus, three of the four of us in my family have fitbits now and we are competing.

Here is what I learned:

We are all crazy competitive..there are even taunts..we are pretty funny

  I had to teach a drama club today, I thought I sucked but the kids LOVED it and cannot wait until next week.  Kids ask so little.  Just to notice them is huge.  When Bill, who is a third grade teacher and a juggler, comes upon  student  in a place other than school, they act like hes a movie star.

I wanted to draw on something different so I took my shattered charcoal to an old brown paper bag.  I think I am going to crumble one up really good then smooth it out and make those lines wrinkles in the face ,   I think perhaps I am going to also have to break down and buy some more charcoal pencils.  

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I was in a huge hurry-way too much I needed to do.  So before I edited some stuff  , I grabbed the nearest pencil and a piece of paper.  The pencil was so dull and I could not find the sharpener, so I moved on the next one at hand which was red-it was weird but fun.  I just wanted to get one done, because I made that my goal.  I may move on to other subjects, but someone once told me I could not draw people.  So of course, I believed her, and for the next few years...I could not draw people.

I think I can now.

I think about all the stuff we buy as ours just because someone told us so.

I think we really need to think about that.

Monday, January 19, 2015

I only had a number 2 pencil and a few minutes, but I like the way it turned out.  I have no idea why I am doing this.  I just know it helps a bit to write and draw.  It makes me forget myself for a while and that is a relief.  I would like to forget myself,  I would like to find a way to dump all the crap that keeps beating at my door.  I do know, thought, steps to take to keep it at bay.  Exercise really helps, eating well helps going OUTSIDE helps.  We walked around bredesen yesterday,and that was fun.  The sun was out , it was warm-well, warm for Jan in MN..  I wonder how many many miles I have logged around that park.  How many books on tape I have gone through.  I bets its hundreds.

This daily drawing has given me this weird detachment from the outcome.  I start to look at shapes and shadows instead of what the object is.  It makes it more interesting and less painful.  I am lucky, I get to do this and I am sitting  near a window in my own house with the sun shing on stained glass that I made.

I wonder why that is never enough.

I think we need to train ourselves to be okay with that.   just the being.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I woke up this morning feeling....normal.I haven't felt normal in so many years I did not even know what the feeling was.  my body was rested, my mood was neutral the raging voices that tell me how awful I am were not there.  I don't know what happened I am walking around in this weird state afraid it will vanish.  And it may, but while its here I am not going to question or analyze  I am going to move on in my life, do the things I need to or want to do.  I have had too much coffee, worked out, but not to the point of pain, sketched, did a rough draft of a business card and it is only 1130...............I will work on a story and clean the back room so it looks nice-I will try to just enjoy this calmly...............

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Quick Charcoal sketch. I keep thinking about leaving.  Not my life , but leaving what I have clutched at so desperately, leaving the musts and shoulds and crap. I am doing this new project where I have to write and record a story based on a random topic-but I find myself stalling out-If I go with my gut it gets too personal, and if I try to be funny-which I love to do -it does not work.  Meanwhile, something really weird is happening.  I keep laughing at how silly we all are for following these ambiguous ideals of what is good and successful.  What torture we put ourselves through because some mass delusion of what is pretty, or good, or talented.  A friend put up a notice about changing trends in decorating your house-there is actually ACTUALLY a color of the year.  Designers all flock around it and produce based on someone-WHO?? deciding that gray is the color of the year.  We judge how important a person is based on the size of their home or car.  We sicken ourselves with worry and angst, we are not good enough, we are not pretty enough.  We admire and elevated those who lie and cheat and steal-but get the power.  And we hold up standards as if they mean something(my child is an honor student)great-your child jumped through the hoops!!!  HOORAY- So we follow the trends and rules and fashions and are miserable.  But for a moment-well about three seconds the other morning I woke and had no identity no present no past no future, no remembrance of who I was, it was just being-such a weightless wonder and just as I embraced it it was gone-like trying to grab the fog.  But those seconds-BLISS-just NOTHING just there..........just being

Monday, January 12, 2015

This is a character sketch for my book idea-Babuskas star.  I have been toying with it for awhile,  so many ideas.....I still like my Dancing Babushkas counting book idea......better lots than none at all!

and this is my quick sketch of the day-timed-thanks Kim for that idea- 1 minute.  I am also designing a stained glass window for a client and wire wrapping a stone for my step mother in law!  Oh and I have to write a story on the topic Moving for the podcast I am launching nest month-so yes, I keep moving forward, the load may be heavy but I keep moving

thats pretty darn great

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I am learning something.  I am learning that I do take up space and that is okay.  I am learning that things that I have done in the past come back in strange and beautiful ways.  I am learning not to care so much about how it looks and more about doing it.  I am learning connections kindly made years ago are coming back better than ever.  And I am learning that depression tries to rob you of this.  It tries to deny these things that are so sweet.  And I am learning NOT to let it.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Today's quick sketch-a friends gorgeous face.  I like how its coming out of the shadows into the light.  That's how i feel lately-coming out into the light, it is a long hard process, but there are times of great fun and laughter.  I went to  a show last night that someone I had not seen in years was doing.  It was great, so much fun.  We laughed and then we cried.  It was about  very tough, loving, influential nun on St Pauls West Side.    At one point she said she will go home and before she went to bed she would pray for us.  Now I am a committed agnostic, but it melted something sharp and cold inside me, it made me cry-what for?  I don't know...the thought that someone cared enough for another human being to just love them , that someone would actually pray FOR you, no strings attached....the fact that here was a friend who I hadn't seen in years and yet it was like yesterday.......that we all sat at the table after the show and laughed until we cried and it didn't matter-we were who we were.  Which reminds me yesterday morning I woke up and for about three seconds I lost my identity-I simply was-no past no present, no worries, no voice telling me what an incredible awful fuck I was, just this suspended feeling of...not empty...just was scary and at the same time so wonderful.  I have never felt that before.  It was an incredible gift, it went beyond this plane.  I hope I can keep recalling that was healing

Thursday, January 8, 2015

what I am trying to do is not care about the outcome and just do really quick sketches-this was about 4 minutes-I want to go back and fix it, but that would defeat the purpose of the exercise, which is to get pencil in hand and draw.  This has been good for me.  Missing yesterday cause I was busy was sad, but I did doodle and I went thru my day.    I am starting to really love the charcoal pencil althoug it is not as precise as a reg pencil.

Today I voiced to radio commercials, got an order for an original stained glass and am going to see a friend in a one woman show that I haven't seen face to face in about twenty years-its a good day

Monday, January 5, 2015

Todays quick sketch.  I would so like to be this girl -looking off into the vast lonely landscape with the sea beneath me and the wind making it just a little dangerous.  Peace, quiet, no one near.  Just me and the sea and the wind and the stone.......

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Todays offering.  I failed miserably at a sketch of a farm,, but realized I was worrying about how it was coming out.    This gal was a lesson on shadow and line, that's all I concentrated on.  interesting and of course a great life lesson.  As soon as I care about the outcome, I am dead in the water.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

one minute sketch, i meant to draw every day.  Was running around yesterday, but got a quick one in.  Still trying my best to climb out of the dark well.  I get glimmers of light, and that is a good sign.  There is so much I feel I should do, and all I want to do is curl up in bed.  Its warm there, and safe, and cosy...and I can day dream......I will now get off this and go do a quick work out and then off to a play reading.  An interesting, thoughtful, thinking play.........its starting off to be a good year....lets hope the light keeps getting stronger!!!!  and that I find it.....