I went to Bills juggling show at Central Library in St Paul-one of the most beautiful libraries I have ever been to.  Some years ago, they re- did the kids room, taking the 1920's puppet theatre out of the old lovely oval room and putting it in the new room...I hated the change-but I always hate change.  I haven't been back since, but today, oh today!!  all the joy of going the LIBRARY the most magical place on the face of the earth-it came rushing back to me.  The framed drawings of Make way for Ducklings!!!  The signed copy of Misty by Marguerite Henry, the old old story books in the reference section with the wonderful prints of illustrations that I loved-Homer Price with his doughnuts falling out of his arms -the real drawing..it stunned me, it moved me, it made me feel so alive.  I have always loved books, but children s books I have such a passion for, such a connection.  It is like going home and it is good.  I re-  resolved to write and illustrate more-even if it is just for me.  Nothing in the world makes me happier.  What a wonderful treat-plus Bill's show was amazing-such a blessing this morning was.

My daughters 19th birthday, and I swear I still wake up in the morning deciding what I want to be.  I wonder if anyone ever feels grown up.  I know I never have. I can pretend to be, but inside I am wondering when the hell I can leave the meeting and paint or draw or read or play.  I still love crayons the best, I think if there is a heaven it will smell like a new box of crayolas.

What I have learned this month is that the less I think about the drawing the better it is.  I have learned I adore charcoal and the way it moves.  I like sketches as opposed to drawings-if I ay sketch it means loose and not 'finished  and makes the looker fill the details in.  I love that.  It makes the looker part of the process, part of the work.  I like to think of people adding their own, there we connect and make a whole.'

What is it that reflects sadness in our faces.  Isn't it the most interesting thing-just a subtle change can make the whole face attain a different quality.   I am going to explore that more,  Yesterday I went to the Mall of America-or as I like to call it-my personal hell on earth.  I went to support my husband who is in a fit bit challenge-and as I have mentioned before-we get REALLY competitive-he ended up with 23,000 something steps-or roughly 10 miles.  But as we plowed around the mall I started to get really overwhelmed.  All the people, all the THINGS-oh my god, the THINGS-I remembered that scene in Moscow on the Hudson when Robin Williams as the Russian defector goes into a super market for the first time.  When he hits the coffee aisle he mutters coffee...coffee..coffee..and ends up fainting as he is so overcome with the choices, the vast array of choices.  Now, choice is great, but oh my god.  When I told my husband how I felt he wonders what aliens will think of us when all that is left is malls-what will they think the meaning of this is.

I wonder what they will-it kind of sickens me.  I am in awe that we can build this homage to the all mighty dollar, but we let our vets sleep on the street, I can't get the exact feeling, or words, but I am sometimes so disappointed in what we give value to.  And its hard to not give in to it, because it surrounds us.  Can't wait until the weather gets warmer and then its around the lakes and parks again-that makes my heart happy.  There I can nod to the dog walkers and gasp hello to the other runners and feel the sun on my skin.

I noticed if I get in my 10000 steps before noon my day goes much better-wonder why that is?  Maybe I work off some crazy making energy.   But if it works I am all for it.  Plus, three of the four of us in my family have fitbits now and we are competing.

Here is what I learned:

We are all crazy competitive..there are even taunts..we are pretty funny

  I had to teach a drama club today, I thought I sucked but the kids LOVED it and cannot wait until next week.  Kids ask so little.  Just to notice them is huge.  When Bill, who is a third grade teacher and a juggler, comes upon  student  in a place other than school, they act like hes a movie star.

I wanted to draw on something different so I took my shattered charcoal to an old brown paper bag.  I think I am going to crumble one up really good then smooth it out and make those lines wrinkles in the face ,   I think perhaps I am going to also have to break down and buy some more charcoal pencils.  

I was in a huge hurry-way too much I needed to do.  So before I edited some stuff  , I grabbed the nearest pencil and a piece of paper.  The pencil was so dull and I could not find the sharpener, so I moved on the next one at hand which was red-it was weird but fun.  I just wanted to get one done, because I made that my goal.  I may move on to other subjects, but someone once told me I could not draw people.  So of course, I believed her, and for the next few years...I could not draw people.

I think I can now.

I think about all the stuff we buy as ours just because someone told us so.

I think we really need to think about that.

I only had a number 2 pencil and a few minutes, but I like the way it turned out.  I have no idea why I am doing this.  I just know it helps a bit to write and draw.  It makes me forget myself for a while and that is a relief.  I would like to forget myself,  I would like to find a way to dump all the crap that keeps beating at my door.  I do know, thought, steps to take to keep it at bay.  Exercise really helps, eating well helps going OUTSIDE helps.  We walked around bredesen yesterday,and that was fun.  The sun was out , it was warm-well, warm for Jan in MN..  I wonder how many many miles I have logged around that park.  How many books on tape I have gone through.  I bets its hundreds.

This daily drawing has given me this weird detachment from the outcome.  I start to look at shapes and shadows instead of what the object is.  It makes it more interesting and less painful.  I am lucky, I get to do this and I am sitting  near a window in my own house with the sun shing on stained glass that I made.

I wonder why that is never enough.

I think we need to train ourselves to be okay with that.   just the being.

I woke up this morning feeling....normal.I haven't felt normal in so many years I did not even know what the feeling was.  my body was rested, my mood was neutral the raging voices that tell me how awful I am were not there.  I don't know what happened I am walking around in this weird state afraid it will vanish.  And it may, but while its here I am not going to question or analyze  I am going to move on in my life, do the things I need to or want to do.  I have had too much coffee, worked out, but not to the point of pain, sketched, did a rough draft of a business card and it is only 1130...............I will work on a story and clean the back room so it looks nice-I will try to just enjoy this calmly...............