I have been thinking about hope lately. I am starting to think hope can be a very destructive soul sucking thing, as in I HOPE or I Wish. Because the truth of it when we say these things is that it ISN'T, or I DON"T have whatever the thing is......and the concrete evidence of- it is never gonna happen, baby-can be ignored,(because we are still wishing and hoping) and when it doesn't happen we can be crushed and bitter, kind of like the karma thing. I believe in being the truest, best you can be, but when you look around and see the people getting "ahead" and "making" it, it can be appalling-and the free rides these folks get cause they are rich or famous or can catch a ball is jaw-dropping. and then we say- karma will catch them up, or what you reap you will sow. These are little self righteous platitudes that make us feel -what superior, or better people? and then one morning you wake up, and you see a gray hair (or ten) and you look in the mirror and realize-REALLY realize that this is it, right now and you never thought it would be like THIS, and somehow you feel cheated-because your hopes and dreams and working towards something you love have been another set of illusions set down that you believed in. You get, finally, that you are never gonna catch up with that dangling carrot. and now you have a choice. You can live in the world of I wish or I hope or my ship will come in, you can live for what is now and try to find the best in it, or maybe-maybe you can find the strength to dig a little deeper and find a better way that is your own. Standing at this crossroads of sorts is a harsh and bitter and yet somehow CLEAN feeling. and crushing so crushing because you wonder....did I waste my time, or you try to figure out the whys-when there are really no reasons why, and you compare and contrast with others, when that is irrelevant and time wasting and distracts you from the real questions
How did it get to this?
what can I do now?
and does it really matter anyway?
because if it is all illusions.....maybe just make up some of your own