Here's the thing- When you live your live trying to get approval from all others-trying to be LIKED-you lose the one persons approval that you really need-which is you own. Without that you do the approval dance forever-but how can one break away from what is so embedded in your personality-it feels so selfish to do what I want to do and yet it feels sooo good. What I am reclaiming from myself is wonderful-all the things I neglected on the way. Someone said think back when you were 11 -what did you want to be? How true are you to that? What did you lose along the way. These pieces came so easy and happily-so then that little part of me says-they must not be good-you must SUFFER in order for it to be worth it..but a bigger part of me is saying oh, bullshit-why can't there be joy instead-

OOh, my new series Saints Among Us!! Complete with halos and gold leaf- I like this guy a lot I am really getting into the charcoal. Gold leaf is hard and touchy but I like what it adds to the peice-this will go into a show later this fall.

I sat in the yard with a friend today and soaked up the sun! Last night we had a bonfire-all very lazy and good but man am I ready to work out and work on art and get back into the swing.....I have soooo many ideas and so little time

This isn't finished-I am going to add a halo in gold leaf over the grandmas head-my version of an icon. But I like to stand back and look and study what I have done. Which is what I have been doing in my life lately-it is really strange how things seem to hit the fan at the same time-really making you look hard at things. Picking up old threads of my life that I have dropped and realizing they were a lot stronger than I ever realized. And looking at those that I thought were so strong which were not. What I have concentrated on and tried to support and that which has not served me and finding that I may be more important to myself in a calm way than I thought. I had such a wonderful coffee with someone I met when I was 16 and hadn't seen in years. This has been happening more and more in my life and it is really interesting and grounding. Maybe that's why I keep painting the past-it all leads to the present-and it can create something solid that I can build on.....

The nice thing about this is I can type away and never know who it touches. I have had two huge relationship issues in the last week. I know that these are things I need to face in my life-it would be so much easier if they just went away...but life has decided that not only do I need to learn this lesson-but I need to learn it now and in spades. It is emotionally painful yet at the same time some part of me feels really free as if the cage that I put myself in has been opened, and I can finally fly-which is also scary. I have realized that being alone can be so rewarding and one of the reasons that finally is becoming clear to me is that when you are alone you don't have to constantly adapt to someone else. You just are. Alot of my life has been pleasing others-and picking people who enjoy that. It is neither good nor bad but just is. But now that is is a was and things are much different.......much different and less dramatic, and I like it-but those around me don't. Whew-these are hard lessons-especially when you love people and don't mean to hurt them but you do .............

A couple of little cards-now that my thumb is better I can work alot more-HOORAY!!! I have been thinking alot lately about being kind to myself and it is a scary thing-what if one could accomplish just as much-perhaps more-by being gentle with oneself instead of doing it out of desperation..maybe that is not the correct wording....but sometimes it feels as if I am painting or working or cleaning to prove how okay I am . What if I lived from the place that I am okay-in fact, pretty damn fabulous without having to PROVE it every second-what a feeling of freedom that would be. What if the whole world was full of people who got up every morning thinking-wow!! I look great and I am pretty fabulous!!! I think that was the reason we were put here.....and then we started competing and hating and longing...ish. So for today I am going to believe I am one fantastic chick and see where it takes me!!!